____________________________________ On Hiatus ___________________________________

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Golf Carts Are the Worst Escape Vehicles Ever...

...And other things that I have learned from watching The A-Team.

This is an '80s recap.

For those of you who haven't watched The A-Team, you missed the best decade of television ever.  So just get in your time machine and go back to the '80s, and don't come back until you've watched The A-Team, Dukes of Hazzard, Knight RiderPunky Brewster, MacGyver, Benson,  Alf...and a collage of the best Saturday morning and after-school cartoons ever, including The Smurfs, Gummi Bears, ThunderCats, Voltron, The Wuzzles, Transformers, My Little Pony, She-Ra, He-Man, JemThe Snorks, Pound Puppies, and Shirt Tales.

The A-Team was comprised of Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, Lt. Templeton "Face" Peck, Captain H.M. (Howling Mad) Murdock, and Mr. T...I mean Sergeant B.A. Baracus.

Back before smoking was bad for you, Hannibal was the man with the plan, who always had a cigar handy.  In between missions, Hannibal was a consummate actor, constantly working on his craft, most famous for his role as the Aquamaniac.  The Faceman was the procurer for the group.  From uncovering secret documents, to securing corvettes and planes, from lawnmower engines to lumber; Face could smooth-talk or con anyone, be it girl or unwitting parts supplier.  B.A. could do anything except flyB.A. drove the getaway/surveillance vehicle, could fix or rig any machinery, and was also in charge of weapons and ammo.  Murdock was the pilot; while he was mainly known for his maneuvers in planes and helicopters, as the occasion called for it, he could also fly jet-packs and gliders.  Murdock was unique, in that, while the other A-Team members had to keep low profiles, Murdock lived in a military hospital/loony-bin.  Murdock was constantly talking to himself, developing accents, and personas that made you wonder how much was real and how much was put on.  The team would break Murdock out of the facility as needed, or he would escape by himself if necessary.  Face and Murdock often carried out cons together, playing of Face's charm and Murdock's crazy.

So, you need to hire the A-Team?

Well, they aren't going to make it easy for you.  The A-Team was accused of war-crimes, concerning a mission they completed in Vietnam.  Unfortunately, the only man that could verify the A-Team was acting under orders, didn't live to tell anyone.  Thus leading the A-Team to go underground, in order to avoid capture by the military.  They are forced to remain constantly vigilant in order to avoid falling into military traps.

To contact them, it helps if you know a friend who knows them, especially someone who served with them in the military, or who is a relative.  You can also place an add in the paper and wait for them to contact you.  But be prepared to come across some random people, like an old Chinese man at a laundry, or a bum in and alley.  Especially if they seem nosy, or unnaturally wise and cryptic, this will be a test to make sure you are a genuine client and that you have not been followed.

Things I have learned from watching the A-Team:
—It is easier to hire and find the A-Team if you are a celebrity.  In fact, if you are a celebrity, you probably hang out with them on a semi-regular basis, anyway.
Most criminal affiliates are unable to pull off a fraud or crime without the help of an unwilling counterpart who figures neatly into their plan.
If you are an unwilling counterpart to such an activity, DO NOT HELP the criminalsThey will eventually realize that you are unnecessary, or too much of a hassle/threat and will start plotting to get rid of you as soon as they can.
If someone close to you starts acting suspicious, they are probably being coerced into helping perpetrate some sort of fraud or crime.
There is an amazing amount of real-estate fraud perpetrated throughout this country, but it is hard to prove, so you should hire the A-Team instead of going to the police.
It is okay to drug your friends or co-workers if you need their help, but they do not want to help you.
—If you don't have money or time, the best way to get people to give you information or supplies is to lie to them and pretend that you are an inspector or official of some sort, and then you don't have to feel bad, because they gave you stuff willingly and you didn't have to steal it.
—If you lie to people and they still won't give you stuff, you should probably steal it, because most likely they are bad guys and are using the stuff for their own nefarious purposes.

—You should always endeavor to give criminals the opportunity to give up peacefully, and go home without causing a vast amount of property damage.

—If people don't listen to you when you try to reason with them, the best way to get their attention is by using machine guns and grenades.
—It is likely that you might be captured by the enemy at some point.  Don't worry, because your captors are most likely inept to the degree that once they have captured you, they will lock you up for awhile before they get around to killing you.  If this happens, take the time to assess your surroundings and assemble a variety of explosive devices that will aid in your escape and distract your captors.

—Do not be a fool, because Mr. T pities the fool.
In the '80s you could use a big black van with cool red striping to conduct surveillance without losing your cover or drawing suspicion.
Car chases are inevitable, but you can almost always get away.
Bad guys and military personal are not safe drivers; while in the midst of a chase, they often come across avoidable obstacles, but instead of making an effort to stop their vehicle, they feel compelled to continue the chase, and are all too often run off of the road, resulting in their car becoming airborne, flipping around mid-air, and crashing upside down while the A-Team makes a getaway.

—Golf carts are the most unbelievable escape vehicles.  EVER.  I don't care if you are at a country club, on a golf course—When you are having an intense chase scene, and people are WALKING next to you at the same speed, it just seems highly unlikely that a golf cart is going to have enough speed and momentum to flip mid-air after hitting a tree stump.  Not to mention, when was the last time that you saw a tree stump on a golf course?

And that is what I have learned from watching the A-Team.



Melissa said...

Fantastic! Loved reading this!!!

nymfaux said...

Yea!!!! I'm glad you liked it!!!!