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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Things My Nook Has Taught Me About Famous Authors...

Edgar Allen Poe saw pestilence, plague, and death when he looked at people, was known for the common parlor trick of being able to possess an animal and bend its will to his control, and created the fashion statement of wearing birds (presumably a raven) as neck-wear.
The Bronte Sisters were witches; they were totally the inspiration for the tv series Charmed.
Homer could kick your butt if you weren't paying attention to his stories; he could just as easily take you in a footrace as mess you up; seriously, what's your problem?
Jules Verne had better things to do with his time than stand for pictures; when he seems to zone out, it's because he's thinking about being out on the sea again; he also does not harken to children.
Walt Whitman could penetrate your soul with his eyes, or give you candy at a moment's notice.  Also, I'm pretty sure he knows if you've been good or bad, and trust me, you don't want to be on his naughty list.
Joseph Conrad had meticulous grooming habits, along with some sort of educated European or Bostonian Accent, which he could totally use to psychoanalyze you.
Gertrude Stein was a man and possibly K.D. Lang's fashion stylist; she could keep a good seat on a horse, and you could trust her to give you a fair trial.
Kurt Vonnegut was the inspiration for a variety of sitcom and cartoon characters; he had an uncanny knack to tell if you were lying; so don't lie to him, you'll feel bad about it and have to confess immediately.
Oscar Wilde was a woman (possibly K.D. Lang); he also did odd jobs as a mob hit-man, and could totally bust it up with a machine-gun.
Virginia Woolf was all Single White Female on the Bronte sisters.

Great male writers get their writing abilities from growing fantastic facial hair, and grooming it with the expertise of a topiary gardener (with the exceptions of Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde).
If Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde had a child, it would be K.D. Lang.
Female authors are witches, and Edgar Allen Poe is their coven leader.
After Homer, writers started wearing very buttoned up and starchy outfits, because otherwise they just couldn't compete.

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